Feed Me, Mione!
by CeliaEquus
Summary: Hermione's pesky husband is constantly hungry. How will she deal with this, and with the needs of a plant? Well, her potions master has had a wonderful idea... Usual disclaimers apply, of course. For The Showtunes Challenge. Rated for innuendo.


"Feed Me, `Mione!"

"You always complain about my cooking, Ronald."

"Just take some lessons from Mum," he said, shrugging. "Come on, `Mione." Her husband bounced his right leg underneath the dining table. "You're brilliant, remember? You could… pretend that it's a potion!"

"I'm a Potions Mistress. Almost."

"So?"

"So," she said, teeth clenched, "I cannot possibly compare cooking with potion-making. That would be like comparing pop music with classical music, respectively."

"Well, you won't get a house elf." He popped a cherry tomato into his mouth, and wrinkled his nose. "Even your salad doesn't taste like Mum's."

"Ron!" she shouted, slamming her hands onto the kitchen bench. "I don't have time to work a garden. Only enough time to send for things from the shops. _You_, however…"

"Hey, I'm busy," he said. "I'm a full-time Quidditch player."

"You only have half the hours that I do!"

"Yeah, but you're working _and_ doing your apprenticeship."

She smiled indulgently. "_Yes_, Ron. Finally you're getting it. And I'm bringing in a steady income. You have seasonal work; the rest of the time, you live off me. How about _you_ take cooking lessons from your mother?"

"But you're the wife," he whined. "C'mon, Hermione. I need to be fed." He winked. "How else can I please you so much if I'm thin and weak, like Snape?"

Actually, Hermione's master was far from weak, as Hermione knew very well. Not that she had betrayed Ron, not technically; she could never do that. What she did know from personal experience was that his ego vastly outweighed his 'equipment'. More than once she thought about the fact that his Nimbus 3000 was just compensation. That was why the broomstick actually had a very nice sheen just on the end. He never asked why that was. Well, ignorance _was_ bliss.

"Ron, I'm not discussing this tonight. Just order take-out like you always do."

He was on the floo to a delivery service before she'd even left the room.

* * *

Dirty and sweaty, Hermione wiped a hand across her forehead. She had invited her husband to watch her at work, and it just happened to be the day that they were working in the greenhouses. Recently, Severus—uh, Professor Snape—had imported a plant from America. Its leaves held a sap that was an essential ingredient in the werewolf cure he had patented.

Unfortunately, the talking plant was getting tired of Blast-Ended Skrewts.

"Feed me, Sevvy," it crooned. 'Sevvy' looked up, shooting the vegetation a murderous glare. Neither the master nor the apprentice had explained that it was only needed for one more bunch of leaves; and then lycanthropy would be cured the world over.

"You'll be fed soon," he said.

"I need meat, and I need it _now_!" The plant smacked a stray root on the floor of the greenhouse. "Feed me, `Mione," it said, appealing to the female human. "Something fresh, something big, something… mmm." It was 'looking' out the window. Hermione rolled her eyes when she saw Ron approaching.

"I'll be back," she muttered. She clambered out of the dirt, and brushed her hands off as she walked to the door. She met her husband halfway.

"You look terrible," he remarked. "Bloody great big smear of dirt on your face, you know that?"

"I'm aware of it, Ronald. Come on. You may as well be polite."

"To the bat? I'm hungry."

"It's not even lunchtime yet."

"C'mon, Hermione. _Feed_ me."

"Fine!" She dragged him into the greenhouse with surprising force. Professor Snape stepped back from the talking plant, and nodded at Ron in greeting.

"Weasley."

"Snape."

"There's food in here, Ron," Hermione said, tugging him forward.

"Really?"

"It's a greenhouse. You know the sort of thing, surely. There are plants. Plants can be food."

"Ha-ha." He rolled his eyes at her, an action copied by Professor Snape and Hermione when his back was turned. "So what's this?" he asked, pointing at the Audrey 2. (That was the name inscribed on the pot, after all.)

"A thirsty plant," Hermione said. "There's nourishment inside."

"Great!" He stepped up to the flora. Its mouth dropped open. "Wow. It even opens on demand." He turned to grin at Hermione, missing the long leaf that wrapped around his ankle. "Where's the food?"

Suddenly, he was hoisted into the air, screaming like a girl, and then dropped into its gaping jaws.

"You are the food," Severus said, stepping beside Hermione. He slipped an arm around her waist as they heard the giant gulp.

"You _were_ the food," she said. Audrey 2 smacked its lips in appreciation. "Well, he did want me to feed him. He never said that he didn't want me to feed him to anything."

"Well," he said, Summoning his clippers. "Now that you've been fed, care to give us some leaves?"

"Sure thing, Sevvy," the plant said, too busy savouring the aftertaste of the late Ronald Weasley to care.

Hermione and Severus grinned at each other as they finished the harvest. Now they could get rid of two pests at once: the deadly plant and the deadly dull Weasley.

"Care to come to my rooms, Hermione?"

"I'd love to, Severus."

**

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This is my submission to The Showtunes Challenge. I was so glad to find this challenge, as most song prompt challenges are all pop music oriented. Unfamiliar with pop music as I am, this was a gem. The song was "Feed Me (Git It!)" from "The Little Shop of Horrors".

**Please review!**


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